All that I was NOT

IMG_20150131_101434He says
He’d never seen anyone;
Another crazy me
Anywhere around.
With such terrible aura
And a pretty much ugly flaws.
My strangely knit eyebrows
Mused over obvious enigma.
“You are just predictable” he says
But you are not.
I tell him.
I don’t worry about the glare
I’d get in return
Because no, he doesn’t hear that.
I make a blunt joke.
The one that doesn’t even rhyme.
I keep talking to the open air.
Oh but he is too kind.
Too kind.
I tell him I’d never seen one like him.
One in a million.
Once in a lifetime kind,
“Are you afraid to walk away?”
He jokes airily.
Oh! But I already have.
I already have.

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ODE TO MY SUN

What if I told you

Love is the awkward silence,

On that clumsy walk home.

With hands in the pocket

Searching nervously,

Digging deep for words.

The silent walk through the field:

Drinking in chilly breaths.

Ice cold breeze caressing  our faces.

Each lost in endless thoughts.

The dodgy meeting of gazes,

The hesitant talks,

And the afterward blushes.

What if i told you,

Love is just being in the same room

Engulfed in your gleeful aura

Feeling warmer by the minute,

Hurt long forgotten

A sapling hinged upon your fondness,

Your radiance.

2 Sadists

The Broken Inkpot

jez-timms-157465 Photo by Jez Timms on Unsplash

Everything will be okay, you say.

Will it? I mumble.

What? You raise your eyebrows while carelessly lighting the cigarette between your lips.

Soon your face hides behind smoke and the winter fog. I search for your eyes, trying to figure out if you really meant what you said. If you really believed that everything was going to be alright. I keep wonder, does anything ever gets alright.

It does not.

That’s what I have known my entire life. We just learn to live with pain. We become good at hiding pain. Or we just learn to live with sedatives. Any sedatives that we can grab with our weakened fingers – cigarettes, alcohol, sex, word. Anything, as long as it helps to hide the pain.

You know what’s funny? We do nothing to ward off that pain. We don’t want to kill it. We…

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He was a friend

That’s how it is with birthdays

while the others can’t decide

what to gift for a present,

I am like, stuck here

chewing my nails off; searching

for, ahem, all the good things to tell you.

[Well, that’s  my way of saying

“I am out of words.” LOL]

people often believe that

good things don’t last long.

so, I guess that makes you a bad ass

[Oh that’s a joke.]

You are a great guy,

with possibly all the right things tosay

but I want to tell you that

the world we are living in

is a disoriented one.

one day its beautiful

and the next, its pitiless

Unbiased by that dubiety,

don’t let your kindness blow out

let no sulkiness sedate your glow.

Wear your warrior gloves,

your heart love and walk proudly

with that crazy,

sweet twinkle in your eyes

Every.Single.Day

Ps. Thank you for being a patient listener and a wonderful friend

 

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THE START

I stare at them
Those pitch black eyes
Darting to mine and back
Eyebrows dance queerly
With springy smiles to the core
Well, does it sound feeble?
Wobbly knees rooting you deep
Skimming heart so deafening
Queasy butterflies on the churn
How I wish they weren’t illusory.
I gaze at them, eyes.
Scintillating as it always is.
Zippy laughter
From cherry to crimson
I peek at your end.
The beginning.
The breathtaking.
Your eyes.

A little something called “Get Lost”

To,
The person who don’t matter anymore.
This girl you thought of as a prank,
Well, maybe only you found it funny.
You were lucky er, no the luckiest
To have known this amazing soul
At a very close distance.
While the others would have won the heart,
You prized a never-ending token of distrust.
You were a trunk full of mysteries
To which I wouldn’t bother finding a key.
If you think your absence mattered,
Then I think you are flattering yourself.
I was taught it was rude to call names.
Oh that included “Jerk” as well.
I was told too that it was impolite
To you know, ignore a person
Even if It was someone you didn’t like much.
So yeah, that’s why I am making a point
In letting you know I remember you.
If you are thinking, “I am glad I fled.”
Then I am glad too that you did.

“Let go” I whispered to my heart.

 

Many years from now, if we ever cross each others path, i will turn around and walk away. If my best friend ask me why, I will say,”See him? This person taught me that the greatest part of being in love is…….letting go when you know it’s only pain that’s gonna haunt you. Maybe I might be wrong about the pain but I do know that hadn’t it been for him, I wouldn’t know how it would feel like to be on my own and hold onto sparks of laughter that lives on most unlikely days. And if I dont walk away, I might never get to tell myself that I did the right thing even if it doesn’t sound convincing enough to my own ears. I might never be able to hold back my tears. See, they don’t hide when they should. It does what it always does; fall. So, i should walk away.

PRETTY

“Can you do me a favor?” She asks me.

“Okay, little girl. Tell me.” I tell her sitting on the couch next to where she sits.

“Will you take my picture?” She says already pouting her tiny mouth in pose.

“That’s not possible.”

“Why?”

“Well, I take pictures of only pretty girls.” I tease her, turning away from her so as  to hide the funny grin spreading on my face.

She don’t say anything for a few minutes.

“Can I ask you something?” She says once again, disappointment already masking her adorable face. I nod lightly suppressing my laughter.

“Am I pretty?” She asks me.

“No.” I shake my head. “You are the prettiest.”I touch the tip of her nose with my forefinger and she giggles happily.

I smile at her.

SLEEPLESS NIGHTS

Did you feel anguish?

The one that leaped onto you when you were rummaging for a tiny scrap of ease in the heart.

Did you feel hurt?

The one that sent you crumpling in the shadows; and you breathlessly grasp for a lungful of air.

Did you feel sore eyes?

The one that left your lashes fluttering ceaselessly over the dampness that gave away your implicit sentiments.

Did you feel tears?

The one that streamed down the cheeks unswerving, obscuring your vision from the unwelcoming dread of life.

Did you feel hysterics?

The one that gagged you from screaming out the pounding; merely leaving you with unfailing sobs.

Did you feel throbbing?

The one that escaped all the way to your veins and had you crippled from feeling anything soothing.

Did you feel desertion?

The one that ripped you into endless shards of agony; rooting you on your trembling feet and leaving you in disarray.

Did you feel downfall?

The one that ambushed you from the back and walked away with the very grounds you were animated; ushering you virtually to ruination.

Did you feel hatred?

The one that bubbled up your guts; hurled towards living that never looked to be upright.

Did you feel terror?

The one that had you frozen to the marrow; the bitterness that entomed you in an avalanche of relentless despair.

Did you feel loss?

The one that took hold of your possessions and left you submerged in the depths of unremitting resentment.

Did you feel love?

The sweetness that was surged in the blood; mending things beyond imagination and dissolving you into emptiness when the mystifying rune died out.

Did you?

DON’T TELL ME HE IS GONE.

“Hello”  Beep-beep. And the next thing she could tell apart, the phone went lifeless. Not really quiet because she could hear the bleep sound that reverberated even after the call ended abruptly.

 

I can’t say my life is a bed of roses because it’s undoubtedly not. I can’t even say it’s packed with wretchedness because there are abundant reasons that make me beam. But I will say with certainty that my life is undecided. It has never been the way I have anticipated. But somewhere along the way, that’s how I expected it would set off. When life would fail me, I mean when i would be dissatisfied with life, i would find solace in the pills i would take. People give me a better name for that “addict”. Sometimes life doesn’t make any logic to me. But the understanding that i have is not present in the people i want to have. Sometimes i wish i was rather dead because then i wouldn’t have to be me.

“You going anywhere today?” my dad interrupted my thoughts unexpectedly.

I was trying to swallow the thing they call it breakfast. I looked at Pema who was sipping her milk noiselessly. Even though we are siblings, we don’t look a bit identical. Yeah i confess, i am a guy and she’s a girl. And we just own the same father.

“I am asking you, Namden.” My dad glowered at me.

“Umm yeah, I’m going to hang out with friends and maybe go for a drive or something.” I said spooning the foodstuffs uninterested. The thing i detested about dad was he never back up my friends.

“Honey, you better get ready. We have lots of shopping to do.” Honey! i scoffed to myself at the handling of words. I know what its called, “pampering”

“Anything funny, Namden?” Dad asked me, annoyed by my look. I just shrugged. Its futile making dad comprehend the internal tale.

“What did you buy for your mom, Namden? Is there anything you need to buy? Maybe Lhazom can help you with it.” Lhazom, i mean my step mother glared at him. Her looks interpreted what she was thinking. I wonder if every ill-fated person like me owned such hideous stepmother.

——————————-

2 Am. The clock on the glorious wall specified. Good. In 12 hours time, i would be home. My home. Wow!

I MISS YOU.

She inboxed me. I miss you more. I wanted to respond back. But something stopped me from doing that. What’s the point?? Is it my destiny that i could never own the girl i love??

TAKE CARE. I KNOW YOU WILL.

He hung up the phone. I never get what he’s capable of. He is never the person i think he is. Or is he? Sometimes i wish i can read mind. Or rather not. It would kill half of my feelings. I check in my account every single minute to see if he would fill me in with the particulars of his whereabouts. Its like i don’t exist anywhere. Take care. He wants me to be safe. Safe for whom?? It’s like, who should i be living for?? His response never failed to dishearten me.

—————————–

What happened that night is something out of comprehension. I can’t make out what triggered me to choose what i chose.

I have never approved dad remarrying. It’s just out of my reach. In the first place, it’s too much that mom had to live in the other side of the world. I don’t get what i am doing. It’s sturdy to lead a life with outsiders who don’t heed about what you do. My dad is never around to inquire what destroys me from within. Step mother is, well just living her name. Mean, pitiless and wicked. I would live thousand years but i won’t have a place for her in my heart.

“Are you making the right choice, son?” dad asked me the day i packed my things. I had nothing to pack, really. Just some things i needed to take. I deserted all redundant stuffs that escorted me for the past few years. I didn’t require them anymore. Somebody asked me if i actually had a heart. I do. My mom won’t be able to take me in, the way i am. I needed to be stronger for her.

“You know dad, i have always stood unaided and i have never felt sorry over the things i chose. It would be disgraceful if i ever lament my verdict.” Except that i already did. Regret, i mean.

“And as far as i know, i was never the part of this family. I was always the outsider. I know dad-” i cut him off from saying whatever he intended to say. “I will always be that discarded son you raised.” It’s a fictitious proclamation that a guy never cries. Because the moment i yelled that to him, tears welled behind my iris. It rolled down my cheeks intense and damp. My sentiments shattered down with it.

He left me without a goodbye. Of course he never used to, before. But i just thought that maybe he would, this time. I hoped he would come back one day but asking him didn’t help a bit. He was in no way coming back. He regrets for ever meeting me in his life.

Would i ever meet with a girl like kuenga?? Innocent, silly, fun and lovable. Maybe it was wrong to have wrecked things hastily. I know she will shine in whatever she does. Be it,exclusive of me. I know she is proficient. I am in no doubt of that.

“You coming, dear?” i stopped whatever thoughts overflowed my mind as her sweet tone yanked me off my bizarre reverie.

“Yeah i am mom.” I skidded of blissfully. I can in any case fake a grin for her, can’t I?