DON’T TELL ME HE IS GONE.

“Hello”  Beep-beep. And the next thing she could tell apart, the phone went lifeless. Not really quiet because she could hear the bleep sound that reverberated even after the call ended abruptly.

 

I can’t say my life is a bed of roses because it’s undoubtedly not. I can’t even say it’s packed with wretchedness because there are abundant reasons that make me beam. But I will say with certainty that my life is undecided. It has never been the way I have anticipated. But somewhere along the way, that’s how I expected it would set off. When life would fail me, I mean when i would be dissatisfied with life, i would find solace in the pills i would take. People give me a better name for that “addict”. Sometimes life doesn’t make any logic to me. But the understanding that i have is not present in the people i want to have. Sometimes i wish i was rather dead because then i wouldn’t have to be me.

“You going anywhere today?” my dad interrupted my thoughts unexpectedly.

I was trying to swallow the thing they call it breakfast. I looked at Pema who was sipping her milk noiselessly. Even though we are siblings, we don’t look a bit identical. Yeah i confess, i am a guy and she’s a girl. And we just own the same father.

“I am asking you, Namden.” My dad glowered at me.

“Umm yeah, I’m going to hang out with friends and maybe go for a drive or something.” I said spooning the foodstuffs uninterested. The thing i detested about dad was he never back up my friends.

“Honey, you better get ready. We have lots of shopping to do.” Honey! i scoffed to myself at the handling of words. I know what its called, “pampering”

“Anything funny, Namden?” Dad asked me, annoyed by my look. I just shrugged. Its futile making dad comprehend the internal tale.

“What did you buy for your mom, Namden? Is there anything you need to buy? Maybe Lhazom can help you with it.” Lhazom, i mean my step mother glared at him. Her looks interpreted what she was thinking. I wonder if every ill-fated person like me owned such hideous stepmother.

——————————-

2 Am. The clock on the glorious wall specified. Good. In 12 hours time, i would be home. My home. Wow!

I MISS YOU.

She inboxed me. I miss you more. I wanted to respond back. But something stopped me from doing that. What’s the point?? Is it my destiny that i could never own the girl i love??

TAKE CARE. I KNOW YOU WILL.

He hung up the phone. I never get what he’s capable of. He is never the person i think he is. Or is he? Sometimes i wish i can read mind. Or rather not. It would kill half of my feelings. I check in my account every single minute to see if he would fill me in with the particulars of his whereabouts. Its like i don’t exist anywhere. Take care. He wants me to be safe. Safe for whom?? It’s like, who should i be living for?? His response never failed to dishearten me.

—————————–

What happened that night is something out of comprehension. I can’t make out what triggered me to choose what i chose.

I have never approved dad remarrying. It’s just out of my reach. In the first place, it’s too much that mom had to live in the other side of the world. I don’t get what i am doing. It’s sturdy to lead a life with outsiders who don’t heed about what you do. My dad is never around to inquire what destroys me from within. Step mother is, well just living her name. Mean, pitiless and wicked. I would live thousand years but i won’t have a place for her in my heart.

“Are you making the right choice, son?” dad asked me the day i packed my things. I had nothing to pack, really. Just some things i needed to take. I deserted all redundant stuffs that escorted me for the past few years. I didn’t require them anymore. Somebody asked me if i actually had a heart. I do. My mom won’t be able to take me in, the way i am. I needed to be stronger for her.

“You know dad, i have always stood unaided and i have never felt sorry over the things i chose. It would be disgraceful if i ever lament my verdict.” Except that i already did. Regret, i mean.

“And as far as i know, i was never the part of this family. I was always the outsider. I know dad-” i cut him off from saying whatever he intended to say. “I will always be that discarded son you raised.” It’s a fictitious proclamation that a guy never cries. Because the moment i yelled that to him, tears welled behind my iris. It rolled down my cheeks intense and damp. My sentiments shattered down with it.

He left me without a goodbye. Of course he never used to, before. But i just thought that maybe he would, this time. I hoped he would come back one day but asking him didn’t help a bit. He was in no way coming back. He regrets for ever meeting me in his life.

Would i ever meet with a girl like kuenga?? Innocent, silly, fun and lovable. Maybe it was wrong to have wrecked things hastily. I know she will shine in whatever she does. Be it,exclusive of me. I know she is proficient. I am in no doubt of that.

“You coming, dear?” i stopped whatever thoughts overflowed my mind as her sweet tone yanked me off my bizarre reverie.

“Yeah i am mom.” I skidded of blissfully. I can in any case fake a grin for her, can’t I?

 

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In the soaring sky I searched for an ember of life.

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